I remember when my daughters were teens, we had a good friend named Chalmerse. His was the beauty shop where he had eight-to-ten female beauticians working six days a week. Not all of them at the same time; this is a profession where the people holding these positions can set their own hours according to the schedules of the home and family that they need to keep.
My daughters and I were all patrons of his shop; they really respected him and the ideas that he was willing to share with them. First and foremost was his thinking that “they can only say ‘yes’ if you ask.” What he taught my daughters (and me) was this: if you want something, go after it. Ask for it. Of course, the person being asked can say “no,” but if they are not asked, they don’t have an opportunity to give either response – positive or negative.
Asking in a specific way was also part of what he taught. My daughters learned to avoid saying, “You’ll probably say no, but …” It’s so easy for the response to be, “Then, the answer is no. You knew that I would say ‘no,’ so why did you ask?” They learned to use a more positive approach like, “I was hoping to do XXX; I hope that’s okay.”
I’ve said that my daughters learned a great deal from him; so did I. Over the many years of working in various places and, even, doing things with my husband, I learned effective ways of dealing with certain situations. Larry was often – very often – unwilling to spend money on what I considered very necessary items. (His family was extremely conservative, and he learned well from them.) Because I would prefer not to have an argument, I’d just wait.
There was a time when he would go hunting for a week, and those were the times when I simply procured some of the “things” that I thought were necessary things. No argument; I just bought the stuff. Some of you might think that was done in spite. It was not; in my opinion, it was simply good judgement in avoiding that argument.
There were those really big items that one does not purchase alone when jointly living in a marriage. You know, such as a different car. This took a little different approach to get that accomplished. When I was attending one of our state’s universities, I was driving an Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser. I loved that car, but it was time to replace it. I had to drive about one hundred miles, a couple of times a week, to attend evening classes. To achieve agreement to spend such a large amount on a single purchase for a USED not NEW automobile, it took some finesse.
In these situations, I would plan ahead. I would decide when I actually, positively needed that car – say the following summer (and, today, it is January). I figured I had six months to get that more substantial transportation. At some point in January, I would say, “I think we really need to consider getting a different car for me to drive, next summer.” The first response was always, “I think it can keep on going. We really don’t want to spend the money, right now.” In other words – no.
About three months later, I would broach the subject with the same thought – different car to drive , next summer. At this point, the response was something like, “I’ve been thinking about that. I think this XXX will need to be replaced. And, soon, that XXX will go. Let’s consider this.”
I was actually at the university town for the summer quarter when I received a call. “I’ve found an Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser, gold and white …” We bought the car!
Sometimes, as an adult, it may be better to finesse than to pose the question, outright. However, a year ago, I remembered Chalmerse’s advice – they can only say yes if you ask. There is a U.S. poet laureate who is retired from teaching at a university; the poet now lives as a retired person, writing every day, as has always been a daily habit.
If I had been able to take the poet’s classes, I would have, but I live in one state and the poet another. The poet and I have a mutual friend who, until this past January, owned a bookstore close to where the poet lives. I asked her if she thought I might become a private, independent student with the poet. Compensated, of course, for time spent. She replied that the answer could only be “no,” to which I responded with Chalmerse’s thought that “they can only say yes, if you ask.”
She acted as a “go-between” with the result being this. After her request for me, I received an immediate response. The poet said that it would not be possible for me to become a full-time student. However, if I would send one poem each month, the poet would be happy to review it and comment on it.
Over the moon is a phrase that I suddenly understood. It was with great joy that I began sending one poem a month for comment.
Because I came to writing poems by “the back door,” having no formal training, I have learned so very much in this exchange. And, when I asked about what the compensation should be, I was told there was no need.
In our lives, we meet wonderful people from all walks of life. You have met many of them in these blogs. My hope is that you’ve enjoyed meeting them as much as I enjoy knowing them.
You have these same people in your community willing to help. And, remember, they can only say yes if you ask!
Be Safe and Be Well.
The Cranky Crone
Thoughtful comments are appreciated.
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